when i was a working woman, I dreaded going to work. Getting up in the morning, dragging myself out of bed, worrying about what to wear...I hated the commute, the cranky taxi drivers, the crowded railway stations, rushing to catch the train, trying not to step on someone's foot and get cursed.. Then at the office, having to follow up on deliverables, being taken for granted by colleagues and all that.
I yearned to be free, to be able to do my own thing. Maybe learn a new language, do some creative writing, just anything to discover myself. So with the permission of my darling husband, I quit my job. And suddenly I had the luxury of time, I could sleep in late, watch TV the whole day, laze around in my pjs and basically just vegetate. I just didn't want to leave the house and be out in the crowds, the dust and pollution - was my excuse.Not really productive, this went on for a couple of months.... and then I got 'reproductive', I conceived! Was'nt really part of the plan, but then what the heck! I wasn't really getting any younger either.
So then started the bouts of morning (rather all day) sickness and everything associated with being pregnancy. 9 months later, a bonny baby boy popped out. And I've been the primary caregiver - cooking, feeding, cleaning, bathing , screaming (lots of that at times) and entertaining.
Fourteen months have past, and now I want to go back to work. I want to be able to get up in the morning and dress up. Put on some makeup and nice clothes. I miss getting out into the fresh air, seeing people going about their purpose. I want to be able to jump into a train and see the chattering women enjoying their time together. I want to be able to plug into my ipod and enjoy a couple of minutes of uninterrupted music and solitude. I'd like to be able to walk into office and share a few minutes of pleasant greeting and small talk with my colleagues. I miss not being able to share my lunch break with the other women and complain about our husbands and maids and in-laws (all harmless I assure you).
Basically I miss bonding with other adults. All this just makes me realise, that its not the situation that determines your state of mind, but your state of mind that determines the situation. I need to be happy in whatever situation,, because my perceptions are what keep me happy and being well.
On one hand, I am eager for my son to grow sooner so that I can entrust him in another person's care and get my independence and freedom back. but at the same time, I know I will miss his 'babyness' and innocence. I need to learn to enjoy his 'growing up', I will miss learning to wonder at the small things again- waving at the roadside dog, cawing at the crow at the window, smiling at every passer-by who crosses our path. All these tiny gestures bring joy to my heart, and here I am waiting to escape them... for what? So that I can miss and yearn for them when this time has gone?
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