Living in the Now

when i was a working woman, I dreaded going to work. Getting up in the morning, dragging myself out of bed, worrying about what to wear...I hated the commute, the cranky taxi drivers, the crowded railway stations, rushing to catch the train, trying not to step on someone's foot and get cursed.. Then at the office, having to follow up on deliverables, being taken for granted by colleagues and all that.

I yearned to be free, to be able to do my own thing. Maybe learn a new language, do some creative writing, just anything to discover myself. So with the permission of my darling husband, I quit my job. And suddenly I had the luxury of time, I could sleep in late, watch TV the whole day, laze around in my pjs and basically just vegetate. I just didn't want to leave the house and be out in the crowds, the dust and pollution - was my excuse.Not really productive, this went on for a couple of months.... and then I got 'reproductive', I conceived! Was'nt really part of the plan, but then what the heck! I wasn't really getting any younger either.

So then started the bouts of morning (rather all day) sickness and everything associated with being pregnancy. 9 months later, a bonny baby boy popped out. And I've been the primary caregiver - cooking, feeding, cleaning, bathing , screaming (lots of that at times) and entertaining.

Fourteen months have past, and now I want to go back to work. I want to be able to get up in the morning and dress up. Put on some makeup and nice clothes. I miss getting out into the fresh air, seeing people going about their purpose. I want to be able to jump into a train and see the chattering women enjoying their time together. I want to be able to plug into my ipod and enjoy a couple of minutes of uninterrupted music and solitude. I'd like to be able to walk into office and share a few minutes of pleasant greeting and small talk with my colleagues. I miss not being able to share my lunch break with the other women and complain about our husbands and maids and in-laws (all harmless I assure you).

Basically I miss bonding with other adults. All this just makes me realise, that its not the situation that determines your state of mind, but your state of mind that determines the situation. I need to be happy in whatever situation,, because my perceptions are what keep me happy and being well.

On one hand, I am eager for my son to grow sooner so that I can entrust him in another person's care and get my independence and freedom back. but at the same time, I know I will miss his 'babyness' and innocence. I need to learn to enjoy his 'growing up', I will miss learning to wonder at the small things again- waving at the roadside dog, cawing at the crow at the window, smiling at every passer-by who crosses our path. All these tiny gestures bring joy to my heart, and here I am waiting to escape them... for what? So that I can miss and yearn for them when this time has gone?

A new begining?

Ok, so I've decided to join the blogger bandwagon. Its been a long time coming... you see I'm someone who is'nt able to express herself properly through the spoken word...I have all these thoughts in my head, some of them pretty interesting (if i may say so myself) but don't express them to others for fear of ridicule and rejection I guess. Sometimes I just get all muddled up even trying.

So whats the next best thing? To put it down on paper, just empty my head completely, get rid of all the clutter which is affecting my mind. Ok, but again why blog, I could just as well keep a journal, right? I used to, at least. But I guess I want to really share my thoughts with others in cyber space, maybe someone else may relate to what and how I feel. Maybe someone can give me constructive feedback.. who knows? (The assumption I make here is that 'someone, somewhere' will read my blog).

I've spent many years now reading all the self-help gurus' books, a few years online trawling for help on how to help myself. You may ask whats wrong with me... well, nothing really...its just for the longest time now, I've had this hunger inside, to KNOW myself. What am I here for? What are my talents? What is my life's Purpose? Yes, that's the question that's been niggling inside me for most of my adult life.